thoughts on the changing season

regrets.
almost every time i post a blog, i have major regrets.  like, "what if i said something that offended someone," or "what if my kid grows up and reads this," or "what will so-in-so think," or "welp, now everyone knows what a loose operation i'm running. they must think bla bla bla, about me."  

but then i remember this one sermon i heard years ago.  it was about how some of us tend to replay conversations in our heads about how we said something or what we talked about or what we should have said better.  And how that behavior is a form of pride. and though that might not automatically compute for you--think on it.  it's so true.  why would we second guess ourselves if not for fear of what others think?  will they be mad/offended/hurt/upset?  OH NO!  i might be forced to admit that i'm not perfect and have to apologize.  enter humility--the opposite of pride.     

and as it turns out, pride is my achilles heel.  i care too much about what others think, about what my outside self presents to the world.  i care what you think about my parenting skills, my outfit, heck i sometimes care what you think about my kids' outfit.  i care about posting my opinions and thoughts on blogs  and, i care if i hurt anyone ever with my words.  i care about that last thing because Jesus is in my heart. and because i want the words from my mouth and the meditations of my heart to be acceptable in HIS sight.  and, if i hurt anyone with words, it's most likely, NOT acceptable.  plus, i want others to see the merciful, saving grace of the father when they interact with me.  i want my life to reflect, not me and my works, but God and His works.  i want you to see Jesus in me.      

this season of my life is changing my propensity to care for what others think of me, though.  it's wearing me down so thin that i no longer have the energy to create a second, more presentable version of myself.  i'm at a point where i can no longer manage to remember to regret how i said what i said... that other day.  i just have to hope and pray that God's grace covers my shortcomings in the eyes of others too.  not necessarily by blinding them, but maybe by giving them the grace to not be easily offended.  or maybe by revealing to them in that moment, just how weak and dependent on Him I am--just like they are!  

(One of those days where I couldn't do much more than turn on Woody and Buzz before bed.  lounging with my 3 babies--in utero counts!)


and for all those other sinful, pride-filled ways that i care, well, i need to get over them.  i hope and that when we have guests over, they don't notice the cobwebs in the corner of the room, or the skittle colored handprint on the light colored chair.  i hope that whenever i offer for someone to ride with me some place, that it wasn't one of those (hot) days where i forgot a diaper in the car.  not that it matters... i'm prreeeetty sure, my car still smells like a diaper.   

(and, shout out to my dear friend tracy who did not make me feel bad at all last week when she saw the spread of chick-fil-a chicken and french fries, from days before, on the floor in the back seat of our car.  i love you sister!  and, i did clean my car this week--haha!)  

new challenges.
                



(Photo from 37 wk apt.  I'd post 38 wk apt photo, but y'all know how vain i am!)

tomorrow, i'll be 39 weeks pregnant with baby number 3.  for the past few weekends, brentley has given me saturdays to sleep, nest, and sleep more. last night, i went to bed at 730 and slept till 730 this morning (save 4 or 5 bathroom trips).  it was glorious.  it is glorious!  i am rested, my toes are painted (had a pedi just a few hours ago, what what!), and now i'm catching up on my blog, trying not to needlessly spend money, but OH-SO-READY for this baby to come!  but at the same time that i'm ready, i'm not.  because, i'm still not ready to be a mom of 3 kids.  i'm terrified.  i'm overwhelmed.  i feel guilt for even saying that, but there it is.  

i suppose i'm very aware that i'm at the precipice of the most challenging season of my life yet.  and my performance here is crucial.  i don't mean the birthing performance.  because,  that ain't no performance.  it's straight up survival and raw biology.  it's something you try to remember forever and forget at the same time.  no, i mean the performance of being a wife and mother to 3 kids under 3.  those are my top priorities, and i want to be awesome at them.  i want tag and story to never want for mom's attention.  i want for them to each know and feel absolute love and adoration from me.  i want to be faithful to discipline them well.  i want to keep them all alive and well (i'm so serious here!).  i want this new baby to capture my heart the way tag and story have.  i want it to be loved and cherished and adored in equal measure.  i want my family to want for nothing from me--for me to be able to give it all.  i want my man to know how much i cherish and adore him.  i want him to know how strong being with him makes me.  i want to not be the grumbling wife who only speaks of her aches and pains and terrible night's sleep.  i want to be the cheerful mother who does not snarl at making the kids breakfast before i can make my own coffee.  i want to remember to thank B for coming home and jumping into the madness with joyful energy.  i want to use my 6 weeks maternity leave from work to help create a smooth transition for my family.  i want to be so ambitious even though i know those first 6 weeks are mama-zombie-land.  

But, the reality of what i want is entirely impossible.  i cannot be any of these things without supernatural strength that only God can supply.  i won't do any of these things without drowning in thoughts of ME (because i'm selfish like that), unless God changes my heart, daily.  and so, as i think about the challenges ahead with fear and trembling and joy and anticipation, i find myself reading and re-reading (because our homegroup is studying Philippians), these passages below...prayerfully.  

Oh Lord help me to, in humility count others more significant than myself.  help me to rejoice in You.  help me to not be anxious, to be content, and to ask you for strength DAILY. 

Christ's Example of Humility

2 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:1-11, ESV)

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

God's Provision

10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:4-13, ESV)

ok.  i'm done with my blog post overload this weekend.  i probably won't post again for 3 months, but hopefully soon i can at least post a photo of our soon to be family of 5 complete with gender reveal!!!!  and, if you remember us in prayer, i'd be ever so grateful!  there's nothing we need more.  

PS: here's a cute video, if you want to see what tag and story think about my baby belly or hear tag sing his song.